I don’t know if we have already met. Perhaps our paths have crossed, but we’ve taken each other for granted and I’ve let you go. Maybe we’ve already known each other for quite a while and we’re still in the process of writing our own love story. Probably, I’m not going to meet you until I’m thirty. There’s a lot of uncertainties on how this will unfold. Hence, I’m writing you this letter right now, to warn you on what you are about to sign up for.
As cliche as it sounds, I am not the easiest person to love. I have had my heart broken for countless times that I have eventually lost touch of that romantic side of me. I won’t always surprise you with grandiose presents, flowers, chocolates or sticky notes everytime we meet. Not because I don’t love you; it’s because I’m saving those little things for random special moments. For moments that will be too difficult to forget. I am not really the gift-giving type of person. I value adventures, memories, and stories. So I will constantly ask you to go to places with me. I will take you to museums, art galleries, beaches, food markets… I will take you to places you have never been. I’d rather spend time with you than spend thousands of pounds on a single gift which can easily be lost and forgotten. Witnessing people fight to buy more time for their life has taught me this. Because if, hopefully, you grow old with me, I don’t want you to remember that expensive watch that I gave. Instead, I want you to remember that day where we walked and watched the sunset by the beach.
I am not initially that cuddly. I value my personal space. If you’re reading this while we’re still dating, it will take a while for me to initiate those hugs and kisses; to reach out for your hand while we’re in public. Please don’t get it the wrong way. It’s just that I get attached too easily in the past and I don’t wanna scare you off for getting so clingy this soon. I will not bombard you with loads of text messages especially when it’s been a while since you last texted me. In order to divert my attention, I will be trying to keep myself busy. However, I will admit that I will be checking my phone in between, just to see if you’ve already remembered me. But I will not be a drama queen. I hate dramas in relationships. So I will just silently wonder if you’ve already forgotten me. So please, reassure me. I need to be reminded that you’re still there. Being ghosted for so many times have done this to me. You can never imagine how my heart melts whenever you tell me that you miss me.
I occasionally have trust issues. Having been cheated on a gazillion time, I learned to raise my guard up, so high, that only the strong and brave will be allowed to cross. Sometimes I overthink and wonder if you have any bitches on the side. I will secretly stalk your accounts and will make a mental note of all the girls that could possibly be on the “side bitch list”. Then I will investigate intensively. You see. I’m the jealous type, but you will not notice this unless I drop some hints. I won’t ask questions like: “Who the fuck is this bitch?”. I will conduct this investigation neatly and discretely. Then I will stop… I will realise my worth and will stop comparing myself to every single woman on that list. I am territorial. But I won’t beg you to stop flirting with those hoes. I know what I deserve, and you should know how I deserve to be loved and treated.
I don’t say the L-word too soon. In fact, it takes forever for me to say that word. It’s not because I have commitment issues. I know what I want. But because I have used that word frequently and improperly in the past, I have become so cautious on using it now. So, please be careful on using that word too. I may appear sceptical about love at times. But once you’ve spoken of that word-that-should-not-be-named, I’ll latch on to that for a long time. Don’t use that word unless you’re genuine. I don’t like wasting my time.
In contrary, I also don’t jump on relationships that quickly. I like taking things slowly. I don’t wanna hear how you’re going to love me for who I am or how you will never hurt me. I have heard that shit before, thousands of variations of it actually. I wanna know you better. Tell me about your secrets, your flaws, your problems. I wanna hear random stories about your childhood and your past. In that way, I will see the real you. I wanna hear your jokes, no matter how corny they get. In that way, I can justify if you’re worth the risk. Let’s be casual. Laugh with me. Drive me wild. Then that relationship stuff will come naturally.
There are times where I prefer to be alone. I am an introvert. I tend to crave for that alone time. Since I’ve been dealing with people at work every day, I get tired of talking easily. So please don’t misinterpret my silence. It’s not that I don’t wanna talk to you, I just need to recharge so I can be sane enough to deal with humanity. By the way, you must have learned, I have a passion for chocolates, spicy foods, ube and hot drinks. Give me either one of these while I am silent and you will melt my heart, secretly.
Second chances are not my cup of tea. I have given so many chances to my previous lovers that I have lost my faith in giving another shot. You make your own choices, we’re both adults, so you should know the difference between right and wrong. However, there’s also exceptions to the rule. If I happen to give you a second chance, then you should feel privileged enough. That means I have felt or seen something special about you. Please don’t screw it up again. Prove me that you’re worth it because this second chance could be the last. Treat me right or you will lose me.
All of these seem to be a lot to take in. I hope I have not scared you off (yet?). The fact that you’re still reading this until this point sounds reassuring, right? As I’ve said, I am not easy to love. But if you ever manage to put up with all those that I have mentioned above, I promise you, I will make it all worth it. I am not going to shower you with all those cheesy lines that ordinary couples say. I like to keep some mystery. But one thing is for sure, I will make you feel loved in a way that you have never felt before.
So, to you, whoever you are that is reading this. I can’t wait to go on endless adventures with you.